The Fall

Eleven months later, I am standing there at his bathroom counter.  The bottles of Aramis cologne line the back of his sink. I pick up the bottle and it smells of him.  His favorite scented Kitchen Lemon Bath & Bodyworks pump ready to dispense.  I remember him telling me he liked that scent, so I got him some as a gift.  There are still more bottles under the sink.  Off to the side lay the charger for his phones and watches.  Some things have changed, but much remains the same.  I open underneath the counter to gaze at all the stacks and stacks of running journals.  The drawer on the right side holds a few congratulatory cards for a job well done - left blank.  I wonder who they were for!
I turn.  In the cabinet behind me, still left hanging on the hook, his clothes from his last night - lonely, but waiting in case he had an emergency call from a patient. 



There was a call....but yet...the emergency was his own.


Who would have known this is how it would end?  Who would have known that the "I love you" he whispered to my mom before bed would be his last words.  If I had known, how would the phone conversation I had with him the night before been different.  What would I have said to him?  And what would he have said to me?



But, we didn't know! 



We didn't know that he didn't even have days numbered left - his hours were numbered.

Fast forward to four and a half years later.  The bathroom sink no longer contains the familiar.  The closet is full of other things.  But there are remnants of him.  There always will be.  Remnants throughout the home I grew up in and remnants in the heart where those memories are now housed. 


There are remnants even on the inside of a busy mall full of frantic shoppers.


Black Friday this year - in the middle of the hustle and bustle of holiday shoppers - there I found myself frozen in front of the men's cologne.  I saw the cologne.  I saw the familiar packaging.  I grabbed it and touched it.  I looked around nervously - I should put it back...I know I should, but I can't help myself.  That familiar scent - that scent of him - my sweet daddy - flooded my senses.  As that smell wafted through my nose and straight to my heart - it reached deep parts of me.  It was a smell that touched my eyes and caused me to weep.  My chest tightened and my breath was caught in my throat.  "Do not fall apart," I scolded myself.  "Do not let the tears fall today." 


But they still do fall. 


And when they fall.  I fall too.  I fall on my knees in prayer to the only Father who can wipe the tears because He weeps with me.  And I have found that in the falling, that is when He is found. 


Dear Heavenly Father,
It has been so long since the words have reached the page.  Thank you Lord for letting the words bound in my heart, find freedom today.  I earnestly pray for those who are on their knees, for they have fallen too!  Lift them up as only you can.  Help them find YOU today!
I love You, Amen


Psalm 145:13-14
"The Lord is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made.  The Lord upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down."


Psalm 146: 8
"...the Lord lifts up those who are bowed down."