But Even In This, We See Jesus!

Sometimes the weight of the world can seem so heavy, that the weight of my bible across my lap is not even enough.  I have to lay down with it across my heart and pray that God, Who is the Word, would speak His Word directly to my soul. 

And that is how you find me today.  I need my soul spoken to. 


[I wrote the following words many months ago.  I was too apprehensive to share them.  But this week in our community, there has been so much hard stuff, that God brought me back to these words today. My prayer is that we will all know the ONE we can turn to when we feel buried with burden.  When things get so heavy, I pray we turn to God who wants more than anything to lighten our load.]



When my mind swarms of things evident of the fallen world that we live in...I want to know WHY?

Two nights ago, my sister calls me in tears and tells me she is struggling with the WHY?  She is questioning why a friend of hers, and a friend to many, would suddenly lose her life in a car accident and leave behind a husband, daughters who are six and two years old, and a sweet two month old son who will grow up without their mother. 



Why?

What a simple question that plagues someone in this world, every.single.second of every day.  But when that question touches close to home, it can bring us to our knees.


Perhaps that is God's plan...perhaps, that is just where God wants us to be.
 
Now, am I saying that God causes these events to happen to punish someone?  Absolutely not!!!  That's not what I believe.  But I KNOW, God uses these hard situations, to show us how desperately we need Him.  And God uses these circumstances to show others the evidence of God. 

In John 9:3, Jesus says, "'Neither this man nor his parents sinned, ' said Jesus, 'but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.'"

Just this morning, I see a beautiful eulogy from Monty Williams at his wife's funeral, who also died several days ago in a tragic car accident.  This man, tall in stature, reminds us that it is only when we bow low and trust in God, that we can see that God will work it all for good - and that God is love.  This eulogy is spreading all over Facebook, on all the sports shows, and is no doubt reaching people who are unbelievers who will see God through this man's sharing what's on his heart.  God is working this for good.  In this, we see Jesus. 

My friend Angela, whose son stopped breathing in her arms almost a year ago at only 3 months old, tells her beautiful ugly story just as genuine as one could get, and you can see God in every word she shares.  In this, we see Jesus. 

Our friends Brandon and Meagan, who listened to God and opened their home and hearts to adoption, saw their son who had only joined their family 10 weeks before, go to live with Jesus.  But out of their brokenness, we see Jesus. 

My friend Jill, who said goodbye to her son Campbell (twin brother to daughter Avery) after a battle with cancer, shares her faith so beautifully that so many are touched.  Entire college sports teams.  In this (and in every rainbow I'll ever see), we see Jesus. 

A few days ago, I see my friend Faith, celebrate her son's birthday at his graveside.  In this, we see Jesus. 

Notice a pattern here.  In all of this...in all of the sadness...in all of the brokenness...in all of the tragedy...in all of the disease... 

In all of this, we see JESUS! 



Jesus came to this earth, and He suffered.   Just think of it.  He took on all of the sins of the world. He took on all of our sadness, and He wept.  He took on all of our burdens.  He took the heavy, and freed us into the arms of a God who will carry the load.   I think of this often, but never have I thought of it in this magnitude.  EVERY SIN I HAVE EVER SINNED and WILL EVER SIN; every burden, every sadness, every pain, Jesus felt on the cross.  Jesus felt that!  He took it, and He gave us as a replacement a chance at JOY.  He gave us a way to be FREE.  He gave us HIMSELF. 

In Matthew 26, we read about Jesus Himself suffering.  Jesus knew WHY He was on this earth, but yet we see Him struggling just before the crucifixion in the garden where He went to pray.  In verse 38, Jesus says, "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death."  He says in verse 39, "My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me.  Yet not as I will, but as you will."

My study bible notes say, In times of suffering people sometimes wish they  knew the future, or they wish they could understand the reason for their anguish.  Jesus knew what lay ahead of him, and he knew the reason.  Even so, his struggle was intense - more wrenching than any struggle we will ever have to face.  What does it take to be able to say, 'as you will'?  It takes firm trust in God's plans; it takes prayer and obedience each step of the way.

Do you think that Jesus, who personally and in the flesh felt all of that suffering, would even for one single second, leave us alone in our suffering? This Jesus who is LOVE, would He love us so little to leave us during the times our hearts are breaking the most?  Jesus's heart hurts too.  He knows He came to save, but yet, even He, questions.

We are never alone.  EVER!

"Every one of your cries is heard.  You may be unable to see it immediately, but you shall see and be thankful that the One who sees and knows all, the end from the beginning, is taking care of you.  So, go forward unafraid, for it is as certain that I will see your affairs are ordered, as to see that the sun will set in the west this evening.  Each time I place you in an uncomfortable atmosphere or circumstance; it is to train you, to discipline you, to strengthen your faith.  I will not, I cannot fail you.  Live in every detail of the things I have said to you.  And you shall be successful in your spirt, mind and body.  Be restored and rested and ever conscious of Me." (Hearing God, Lori Jones)

I found this folded up piece of paper in my bible the other day.  And these words speak to me so...

"Sometimes God does things that we don't understand and that we don't like.  Sometimes we have to thank God and express gratitude even when we don't see the good.  But there is assurance in knowing that God's will is best." (My Utmost for His Highest)

"God says, 'Enter into fellowship with Me; arise and shine.' If through a broken heart God can bring His purposes to pass in this world, then THANK HIM FOR BREAKING YOUR HEART."

This may be the hardest thing we will ever have to thank God for.

But even in this, we see Jesus. 



Dear Lord,

Thank you for speaking Your Word into my soul today.  Thank you for showing us that even when things are messy and ugly and sad and hard, and the worst thing imaginable, that you are there!  That you know our messiness and our hurt.  You have suffered greater than we can ever imagine, and we KNOW that You will never leave our side.  In all the hard of this life, Lord Jesus, we are so thankful that we can see YOU!
Comfort those who are struggling right now.  Most all of us hate to feel like we are a burden to others - but you LORD, you ask us to bring out burdens to You.  You want us to lay them down, to place them at the feet of the cross, so that You can FREE us, REDEEM us and RESTORE us!


I love You, Amen

The Fall

Eleven months later, I am standing there at his bathroom counter.  The bottles of Aramis cologne line the back of his sink. I pick up the bottle and it smells of him.  His favorite scented Kitchen Lemon Bath & Bodyworks pump ready to dispense.  I remember him telling me he liked that scent, so I got him some as a gift.  There are still more bottles under the sink.  Off to the side lay the charger for his phones and watches.  Some things have changed, but much remains the same.  I open underneath the counter to gaze at all the stacks and stacks of running journals.  The drawer on the right side holds a few congratulatory cards for a job well done - left blank.  I wonder who they were for!
I turn.  In the cabinet behind me, still left hanging on the hook, his clothes from his last night - lonely, but waiting in case he had an emergency call from a patient. 



There was a call....but yet...the emergency was his own.


Who would have known this is how it would end?  Who would have known that the "I love you" he whispered to my mom before bed would be his last words.  If I had known, how would the phone conversation I had with him the night before been different.  What would I have said to him?  And what would he have said to me?



But, we didn't know! 



We didn't know that he didn't even have days numbered left - his hours were numbered.

Fast forward to four and a half years later.  The bathroom sink no longer contains the familiar.  The closet is full of other things.  But there are remnants of him.  There always will be.  Remnants throughout the home I grew up in and remnants in the heart where those memories are now housed. 


There are remnants even on the inside of a busy mall full of frantic shoppers.


Black Friday this year - in the middle of the hustle and bustle of holiday shoppers - there I found myself frozen in front of the men's cologne.  I saw the cologne.  I saw the familiar packaging.  I grabbed it and touched it.  I looked around nervously - I should put it back...I know I should, but I can't help myself.  That familiar scent - that scent of him - my sweet daddy - flooded my senses.  As that smell wafted through my nose and straight to my heart - it reached deep parts of me.  It was a smell that touched my eyes and caused me to weep.  My chest tightened and my breath was caught in my throat.  "Do not fall apart," I scolded myself.  "Do not let the tears fall today." 


But they still do fall. 


And when they fall.  I fall too.  I fall on my knees in prayer to the only Father who can wipe the tears because He weeps with me.  And I have found that in the falling, that is when He is found. 


Dear Heavenly Father,
It has been so long since the words have reached the page.  Thank you Lord for letting the words bound in my heart, find freedom today.  I earnestly pray for those who are on their knees, for they have fallen too!  Lift them up as only you can.  Help them find YOU today!
I love You, Amen


Psalm 145:13-14
"The Lord is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made.  The Lord upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down."


Psalm 146: 8
"...the Lord lifts up those who are bowed down."

All of a Sudden

As we come upon the first year anniversary of my dad’s death, I am taken back to so many instances of that painful time.  All of a SUDDEN I am awakened by tragedy.   The phone ringing loudly in the middle of the still night, the crying and screaming of a scared sister telling me it doesn’t look good and to come quickly, learning as I am rushing to get to the hospital in the too early hours of the morning the tragedy that awoke my mom and the horror to follow, the sound of our own strong hearts thumping loud in our chests while his weak heart is being shocked back to life.  All of a SUDDEN this life that we loved and held so dear was a breath away from death.  Our world, all of a SUDDEN, changed. Even now, I will experience the SUDDEN escape of my own breath, as it’s sucked out of me as I remember the events of that night. 

But, I also recall, that in those harrowing moments in the hours to come, that all of a SUDDEN God was there.  God came at once, and gave His Grace.  I can sit for hours, and sometimes do, remembering and hurting and feeling the trauma over and over again.  I think of the last conversation we had hours before and am thankful that before I hung up the phone with my mom, I asked to speak to my dad about my friend’s health condition.  I had no idea that would be the last time I heard his voice.   I am also thankful that when he laid his head on his pillow that night and said “I love You” to my mom that he had no idea those words would be his last – that is God’s Grace, and what awesome last words.  

I can think of what could have been and long earnestly for what was, but smile knowingly, even though I wish for more, that what God gave was all we needed.  His glorious gifts apportioned perfectly. 

In those moments of sheer fear and hurt, we found ourselves in the SUDDEN wrapping of God’s arms around our breaking hearts.  For while my dad’s heart literally was broken that night, ours would break as well.   

All of a SUDDEN, there were people and there were prayers.  There was also panic and pacing.  And then there was this power only GOD-GIVEN, that allowed us the peace to let go. 

Immediately, there was this emptiness, and I could look into the eyes of my mom and sisters and see that way down deep into their souls an ugly, empty pit was gnawing at them too. 

“The Lord gives and the Lord takes away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord.”  Job 1:21

“The Lord gives and the Lord takes away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord.” Job 1:21

“The Lord gives and the Lord takes away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord.” Job 1:21

No matter how many times I said that, did I really feel this?  Could I really call Him blessed this Lord who takes away? 

As my dad drew his last breath, Grace SUDDENLY began breathing life back into us. 

All of a SUDDEN, our lives changed. 

All of a SUDDEN, GOD!   We sought the Lord with all our heart and found Him always there, even in our grief!  

I praise God, that we are not stuck in that hospital room.  That though our lives dramatically CHANGED there, that our lives did not STOP there.  Thank you God, that we are NOT left empty.   

It is my mom, who offers out of her emptiness all she has to give that teaches us that Grace comes.  At that moment, when her world and future was all of a SUDDEN stripped away, she pours out all she has at the feet of Jesus, and begs for the empty to be filled. 

This past year, I have witnessed the miraculous presence of God’s grace through my mom’s life. 

In the midst of her grief, Grace comes. 

In the path she now has to navigate without my dad, Peace settles her. 

In the moments where she falls down, Mercy picks her up.

In the times of crying out, Comfort consoles her.

In the hollowness of her heart, Hope restores. 

In the lonely, oh so lonely, His Love. 

In the sinking, a Savior.

And in the passing of the days since my dad’s death, she sees the Promise of a future. 

Grace came to us.

"Like the wind, grace finds us wherever we are and won’t leave us however we were found." - Ann Voscamp

I am thankful every day that God’s Grace did not leave us how we were found a year ago.  I am more thankful, that God’s Grace has lifted my mother to a place of not just merely moving forward, but to a place of living moment-by-moment in the joy that only God gives. 

We miss my dad terribly.  We always will.  It is not easy to walk this life without him.  He was strong and honorable, and a great man.  And the hole his absence has left in our home is HUGE!  But in this past year, I have seen STRENGTH like I’ve never seen before, coming from my MOTHER.  When I look into her eyes these days, there is still sadness.  Sadness that I know will always be with her.  But there is this resolve, this admirable, focused-determination to somehow choose JOY. 

This time last year, all of a SUDDEN, we were hit with gut-wrenching grief, but the force of the overwhelming Grace that we have felt this past year is even greater!  Grace came to us in the midst of our pain and brokenness, and brought back to our lives this glorious gift of Joy!

Though we are certainly not joyful that we are without my dad now, we have learned that our lives can be joy-filled by the abundant Grace of God!

 “Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”  I Thessalonians 5:16-18

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord. “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

Dear Lord,
As we relive the moments of pain from a year ago, help us to never lose sight of you!  Grace settled within our grief-filled bodies a year ago and has never let us go!  Thank you for wrapping us close. 
I love You,
Amen

My Un-made Bed

Today, I did something I haven't done in a very long time! I went all day without making my bed!

For some of you, you are probably thinking, "what's the big deal?"

It's not really - to just anyone that is - but to me, it's a HUGE deal. You see, my whole entire life, I've liked order (I still like it - and I would even go so far as to say I LOVE IT!). I thrive in it actually. It has always been very hard for me to function in disorder. I remember studying in college and having to clean out my notebooks and binders before I could sit and study for a test - because the papers that were sticking out or not neatly folded, would distract me! I think every time that we had exams come around, I always ended up doing a massive cleaning or re-organizing of furniture - because I wanted order. And in my house, I drive my family crazy because I cannot sit and relax without all things in their place. I am like popcorn popping up and down from the couch - I am fine for a minute and then I'll see something out of place, and pop up to get it, and then sit back down, and see something else, and you get the picture!

And in case you don't have a clear enough picture, let me further explain.....

This morning I took a Yoga class, to relax, and found myself jealous of a friend of mine (who clearly likes order as well) who happened to have two yoga mats. I watched her with envy as she stacked one mat on top of the other and took several minutes making sure that the sides of the mat lined up perfectly! I found great pleasure with her, for her, whatever you want to call it, when she actually got them lined up as perfect as could be! WEIRD I KNOW!

I love to vacuum...not because of the fact that it cleans my floors (though that is nice), but because I love the little lines that it makes on the floor when I am done. Oh, and don't give me any of that powder stuff to sprinkle on the floor, because that just makes it even more appealing.

That's probably why I don't mind mowing the yard - because I get to make perfect lines back and forth over the yard...it's cathartic for me!

I am actually feeling pretty good and breathing easy right now, just talking about this order thing!

Today, though...it was more of a challenge for me. I'm not sure what made me decide this morning while in the shower that I wouldn't make my bed...but it was like my little goal for the day!

Something that I need to learn more of is to just relax, and enjoy! To stop aiming for perfection always. To realize that in my life, not every corner is going to match up perfectly, or every bed is going to be smooth to lay in! Sometimes we have to adapt. And to most importantly realize, that no matter where we are, or how chaotic, or how calm the situation we find ourselves in, we can always find GOD! God doesn't wait for all areas of our life to be in order, before He allows us to see Him. He's there no matter what...in all circumstances...in all levels of cleanliness or disgust!!

Classic example - today, I wasn't in the best mood when Grant walked through the door...and having had a root canal today - he wasn't in the best mood either. So...things didn't go smoothly when he first came home from work. I walked to my bedroom (to my UNMADE bed) and crouched down and prayed that God would help me in finding the peace and balance with my communication with Grant...and even in the midst of my unkept bed...God brought me much comfort and direction!

I know you are probably thinking..."Wow..she's weird!" I am...and I can tell you right now, that the challenge isn't over - because the first thing Grant said to me when I brought it to his attention that the bed was unmade (because you know he wouldn't realize it on his own!), was, "Are you going to have to make it up before you go to bed tonight?" My response to him was, "Well,...I am probably going to have to straighten it at least!"

The lesson I've learned today is this...I love order, and I always will...it's how I function best. BUT...I can survive and be okay - even when things aren't in perfect order around me! You know why? Because I know that no matter what - in perfect peace or in crazy chaos - I have my GOD right beside me!

Dear Lord,

Thank you for the crazy illustration of how it is important to sometimes just relax, to let go, and to know that no matter what...you are always with us!

I love You, Amen

P.S. Grant is already in bed...so I don't guess the bed will be made today after all! I can still straighten up my side, can't I?

Please be in prayer

Please be in prayer for Grant's family from Florida (The Dorsey's) who lost their 12 year old son Andrew to a rare brain cancer earlier today. I posted about him briefly in my last post - there is a side button on my blog "Pray for Andrew." I cannot imagine the grief and pain they are going through - but one thing most admirable is their faith that continues to shine! How amazing!

One thing Melanie (his mom) always said, was "BUT GOD!" referring to how amazing and miraculous God is even when on earth things look hopeless. I think the BUT GOD here is that there was a fast growing cancer that ultimately took his short life, BUT GOD has Andrew now and he is Healthy! And God is still miraculous in that I KNOW lives have been touched by the familie's faith throughout his illness.

Dear Heavenly Father,
I cannot imagine the grief, the unimaginable pain. I pray that You meet whatever the needs of this family are. Continue to show them that yes we do have trials and tribulations on this earth, BUT GOD never leaves our side!
Thank You for a willing servant in Melanie, who reached out even in her agony over her son's illness, and now in her grief, to show us You!
I love You,
Amen

Pray

There's nothing greater than the power of prayer and there's no better listener than a God who hears all the time, in every circumstance, in every jumbled attempt that can seem so much like rambling that you aren't even sure what you are saying...HE HEARS and HE KNOWS.

There are several people that I would lift up right now at this moment, and am doing so, and I know God is listening...my nephew...a distant family member's son (http://bellamella-melanie.blogspot.com/) a friend's father-in-law...a sister in Christ....my husband...myself...my children. And I know God knows and God hears!

Who are you praying for today? Who is on your heart? What situation is bringing you to your knees in prayer?

When I feel a heaviness...Lord show me YOUR HOLINESS!

When I feel shocked...Lord show me that You are not ever surprised.

When I feel confused...Lord show me that You are working it all for good.

Wherever, Whatever, Whomever, However, Whenever, Whyever

Show us Lord that You are always with us!

When all we feel is the rain, show us Lord, the SON!

Dear Lord,
Today no matter what is going on, thank You for listening to our cries. Thank You for being a God who is unfailing! Thank you for being a God who isn't afraid for us to ask for it ALL!!
I love You, Amen

In His Hands

It's been several weeks ago (months, maybe), but the neatest thing happened with an encounter I had with Madison. You know how you have those moments that stop you in your tracks, and you just realize that God was trying to tell you something. Sometimes those messages are subtle and you have to reach a little to discern the meaning, and other times they come across loud and clear. This one was LOUD and CLEAR!

I was leaving the kitchen (gathering up toys along the way) and heading into the girls' rooms to deposit them, when I saw a very hurried and determined Madison on her way past me back to the kitchen. I knew what she was searching for. While I was trying to get it out, "I have your toy," she was busy trying to tell me what she was going to find. But she was so in a hurry that she couldn't get out what she was trying to say, and I was certain it was the very thing I was holding in my hands.

I just sighed, and watch her continue to run in the other direction searching for what she was looking for, and waited patiently holding in my hand that very toy! Pretty soon, I knew she would get tired of looking, give up, and come ask me. AND SHE DID!

And there I was with my outstretched hands, and a smile on my face, holding her anxiously searched for toy.

She quickly snatched her toy from my hand and headed back to her room to play. And I just stood there. The message was loud and clear!

How many times, God, do I run right past You searching anxiously for the very thing You have are holding in Your hands for me?

How many times do I blurt out my request, barely able to get it out, before I rush off in a search on my own?

How many times am I so busy telling you what I need, that I fail to hear when You are telling me You already have what I need?

I was so moved, that I just stood there for a minute soaking it in. I wish that I could calmly go before my Lord, with great confidence every time, that He has all of what I need in His hands. He does...if we would only believe it. Sometimes what we think we need, are not the same things as He is holding in His hands, but if we stop to listen long enough, He will show us our true need. And give it to us gladly, with a smile on His face!

Dear Lord,
Thank you for this moment with Madison that stopped me in my own tracks, and taught me a valuable lesson. Thank you for showing me that so many times, I am too busy pursuing things on my own, that I fail to see what You have planned for me. Help me Lord to always come to You, waiting for you to answer! Waiting for You to give me the treasure You have in the palm of Your mighty hands!
I love You, Amen

2 Corinthians 9:8, " And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work."