Sometimes Only the Father Will Do

This is just a quick little post of what was going through my head last night at 2 am when Audrey woke up and couldn't go back to sleep.

It started with the low wimpering, and then it became a loud, determined "I want out of this bed now" kind of cry. I walked into her room, and asked her what was wrong, and she moaned, "I don't know!!" So, I did what any crazed mother at 2 in the morning would do, I told her "Don't you know it's in the middle of the night. You need to go back to bed. Now."

And she quietly said, "I want to 'Rock-a-bye the baby,'" which is her sweet way of saying, she wants me to rock her and sing "Rock a bye baby, on the treetop. When the wind blows..." (You know the song.)

So, I carefully jerked her out of the bed, plopped down in the rocking chair, and wrapped us up in a blanket, and started singing. She quickly settled down and was very still. Still enough for me to put her gently back to bed.

Tiptoeing out of her room, and breathing a sigh of relief once I snuggled back to bed, I settled in to drift off to sleep. And then the light on the monitor went to flashing, and I could hear the whimpering again.

I walked back in the room, sat back in the chair, and did the whole routine over. Gently put her back in the bed, and walked back to my room.

We did manage to get a few more minutes this time, before it started a third time.

At this point, I am seeing a pattern here, so when I go to her, I sit beside her bed and instead of getting her out, I just reach my hand over and held onto hers. She lays there quietly rubbing my hand, and despite how tired I am, I am thinking to myself what a great moment this is. To be able to comfort her with just the touch of my hand.

Basking in this glory of Motherhood, still tired out of my mind, but glad to be able to have this sweet moment with Audrey, she looks at me and says, "I wanna go see my Daddy!"

What? (Thinking to myself, "Your daddy is laying in their snoring - Don't tell me you want to see him!!!) BUT...at this point I am exhausted, and so putting her in the bed with us is the only option I see that is going to work. So, off to the "family bed" we go!!!

Okay, so I know it is crazy, but as I was laying there completely awake from all the musical beds, I thought about how in our everyday life, there are many people who can comfort us. We have a bad day, and our friend brings over ice cream. Or we feel like we are the worst mom in the world because of the day we've had with our kids, and another mom reaches over and grabs our hand and tells us that we've all been there before. We hear bad news, and someone is there holding us close. Whatever it may be, we need these people in our lives to help us get through, to comfort us and to help to hold us up. And many people are able to accomplish that. And all of that is so very important! Just as I was able to do several times with Audrey.

But, in the end, when it comes right down to it...We need to see our Daddy!! Sometimes Only the Father Will Do!! So, no matter what comforts we are receiving from others, there is nothing like being in our Father's arms!!

Dear Heavenly Father,
I am so thankful that I have friends around me to comfort me, to support me, to be there for me. It means so much to be surrounded by Godly friends. But more than that, I am so thankful to have the comfort of knowing that You will always have Your arms open to me. That no matter what I am going through, You are there with outstretched hands!! Sometimes, we just need to see You, to feel Your presence. To come and be comforted by You. I have many images of You. You as our Lord and Savior. You as our Teacher. You as our Friend, but the one I love the most, is You as our Father.
I love You, Amen.

2 Corinthians 6:18 "I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty."

Romans 8:15 "And by him we cry, 'Abba, Father.'"

Looking Back

There are a lot of moments in my lifetime that I could easily say "changed me." I am who I am today because of these situations in my life. Some of those things are tragic, others are light. But they've all been moments along my path, guiding me to where I am today.

I love to look back on these times in my life, because it reminds me that even though the path isn't always smooth, we manage to find good along the way. Each rock we stumble over, or the smooth part on the path that we slide through, in some way shapes us and molds us. So while I would take the good anyday, I am very thankful for the broken times in my life, because it is from the bottom I find myself looking UP!

I love the analogy of dropping bread crumbs along your path so that you can find your way back to where you started. Sometimes on my path of life I have felt lost, but knowing that Jesus is going before me, behind me, and beside me, I have those bread crumbs to follow Home.

Meeting dear friends in the second grade and having them continue to be my best of friends today, is a smooth part, a blessing. Drop a bread crumb.

Having my father have health issues with his heart and major heart surgery while I was in the fourth grade, was a stumbling block, but also a blessing because I learned at an early age the importance of health and exercise. Drop a bread crumb.

Growing up in a small town with all my extended family, a blessing. Having a long-term relationship end while I was in college, a boulder, but no doubt, the catalyst that put me in the right direction for my future. Meeting my soon-to-be husband thereafter, and knowing I would be blessed forever to have him in my life. A blessing. Drop more bread crumbs.

Getting pregnant the first month I tried, a blessing.

Learning 17 weeks later, that my pregnancy would end - tragedy. Bread crumbs.

And on and on. Rocks, Boulders, Smooth paths, Blessings. All bread crumbs.

The sheer joy of two beautiful healthy little girls. The hurt from losing my grandmother while I was pregnant with Audrey. The blessings of good jobs, moving closer to home, having good friends. The sadness of Mr. Tom's sickness, the terror of Cory's motorcycle wreck, losing Mr. Tom to cancer, tragedies. Even so, they have all strangely been blessings in my life. Because out of these situations, the good and the bad, have come a lesson, a reminder that I am always in God's care.

Looking back on all of these moments, I am thankful for the One in my life I could look UP to!!!

Several years ago, I wrote the following in my journal:

Out of tragedy, comes triumph. Right? Well, I am not sure I have triumphed but I would like to think I am on that path. What felt like such a deep, deep pit just a few months ago, is still a pit (but one where there is a ladder!) I am doing the best I can to climb to the top. Sometimes, one step forward means two steps back - other times it means 3 more steps forward. The point being is that you never know where those steps will take you, but you just keep taking them.

Dear Lord,

Thank you for all the times in my life that I am able to look back and find you. Thank you for being with me in the moments of joy as well as the times of sadness. Thank you for showing me that despite it all, You are with me, helping me follow those bread crumbs back to You. Lord, sometimes along my path, I cannot seemto find the way back. At these times, I am so
grateful that You have shown me so clearly, the path. Thank you for giving me the strength to manage the everyday moments of my life, the good and the bad, and be able to learn from these times.

I love you, Amen.

Because Jesus is the only one who could fix him...

Since Mr. Tom's death, Madison and I have had several conversations about what happened to her "Papa." Most of the time, these conversations are never prompted, they seem to just come out of the blue. For example, eating lunch with the girls, Madison would remember riding 4-wheelers with Papa, or see a horse and remember him and Barbara coming to watch her horseback ride for the first time. All of these memories are ones that she brings up. Sometimes the conversation starts and ends just as quickly, and other times like tonight, they are lengthy and involved.

At bedtime tonight, she chose a book about Jesus and the stable. It was a Christmas book, but she chose it to read before bedtime so we did. I was reading the words and not really paying attention to the pictures, when she asked me why angels were invisible. I thought about this question, and believing that some of the people I know are angels here on earth, started answering with that line of thought. I noticed the illustrations in the book showing the angels as translucent. And so I knew why she was asking, or so I thought. She then said, "Well, the angels that came and got Papa were invisible." She then asked why Papa had to go with the angels. I am always cautious with the way I word what happened to Papa, fearing that she will think that sickness leads to death, or that stomach problems lead to cancer. You get my drift.... Tonight I could tell with her questions that she needed more answers.

I tried to explain as best I could that cancer was the bad cells in our body and how they can take over the good. And that most of the time the medicine the doctors give can get rid of the bad, but that sometimes it just doesn't work. Sometimes the bad cells outnumber the good, and nothing the doctors can do will help. I wanted her to know that the doctors and her Papa did all they could. Wanting to end the conversation myself, because I was worried I was making things confusing or scary for her, I just said simply, "It was just time for Papa to go and be with Jesus. And it's a great place to be, at home with Jesus." And she looked up at me and smiled, and said as if to answer her own question, "Because Jesus is the only one who could fix him...."

I just smiled with tears in my eyes at her profound statement that came so simply, so matter-of-fact. Isn't that true for all of us, no matter what we are facing, that Jesus is the only One who can fix us!! Doesn't have to mean that we go to live with him to get "fixed." But He is the One to turn to. He is the One!!!


Dear Lord,
I am so thankful today for the blessing of having this conversation tonight with Madison and how through her 5 year old brain, you could reach me so loud and clear!! Help me to know that You are always the answer. Help me to have her child-like faith!
I love You, Amen

On a day like today...

I was watching the Larry King Live episode featuring Steven Curtis Chapman and his family on Tivo last night, and sobbing at the pain I saw on their faces. Pain that was so fresh. How can they even be sitting there talking without falling to little pieces when only a few short months ago, they lost their precious Maria Sue? It's because of You, Lord. One thing that struck me was that in an instant, our world can change. Our lives can be turned upside down TODAY, when YESTERDAY we were out shopping for our wedding dress, or were just bringing our baby home from the hospital, or just simply mowing the yard. How suddenly and fast our lives can change. I had this awful feeling after watching the show, and after thinking of sudden tragedy. What are your purposes, God, in this, what is Your plan?



Larry King asked the Chapman's why they thought God allowed such a thing to happen. Steven's answer to that was because we live in a world where both forces of good and evil exist, both Christ and satan. In no way meaning that what happened to his daughter was brought about by evil, he went on to explain that sometimes he believes that bad things just happen. He also said that he believed, as I do, that God was weeping with him as he was crying over Maria.



Even so, it is hard for us to understand why so many bad things happen to good people, and why when we KNOW and BELIEVE that our God can save us from these tragedies, that they still occur.



In just the last few months I've watched my father-in-law pass away from cancer (though not sudden tragedy - still hard to watch), a friend of mine lose her seven week old to sudden brain injury after surviving two heart surgeries, a family member of mine go through a molar pregnancy and the pain associated with losing a child as well as worrying about her own health, and heard about a man who drowned while trying to save another drowning stranger while on a family trip to the beach. Tragedies!



And I guess the important thing for me, is to know what we as Christians do with those tragedies. After my own personal loss of my child mid-way through my first pregnancy, I asked the same questions of why to a pastor friend. And what he shared has always stuck with me. Not so profound, but simply - that he believes that God ALLOWS these things to occur so that we as Christians have an opportunity to share Christ. That we as Christians are able to show our faith. And sadly, I've had many friends go through a similar situation, where I was able to help and give comfort. And for that I am most grateful!



2 Corinthians 1:3-4, "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of Compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."



On a day like today...a day seemingly simple, and uneventful, how are we living? How are we honoring God? Certainly today many people are receiving tragic news. Because we live in a broken world, we are sure to face difficulties. Lord, how am I going to act today? How am I going to praise You today? How am I showing my faith? How am I living so that my neighbor sees You through me? How am I going to get through? How am I, Lord, going to make it? How am I going to live on a simple day like today, not to mention a day marked by tragedy?


While I don't know all the answers to what God's purpose is, or what His plan is in every tragedy, I do believe that He plans to prosper us, to not harm us, to give us a future and a hope. (Jeremiah 29:11) So I believe that even in the midst of difficult circumstances we are still able to hope in the future. We are able to grieve knowing that there is HOPE in our gracious Lord.

Dear Lord,
Help me live today like it could be my last. Help me share my faith. Help me use my talents in a way pleasing to You. Help my every movements be done so with the assurance that I am behaving as You would have me. Lord I love you. I thank you that despite the tragedies of this world, despite the hardships that we and those around us face, that we are Yours. That in the good and the bad times, You are holding us, protecting us, loving us, reassuring us, going before us, guiding us, and most importantly, using us! Help me Lord, to always be conscious of the blessing of being Your child. Bless the words that I put to paper - help me honor You in my attempt to help those that I love. Thank you Lord for loving me enough to accept me with all my faults, with my failures, with my always feeling like I come up short. I am Yours, and I will honor You, adore You, praise You, and share You.
On this day, be with those that are hurting, and comfort them...
I love you, Amen.

I'll Hold You In My Grasp

The following is a poem I wrote while Grant's dad, who recently passed away from cancer, was at home on hospice care.

I’ll Hold you in My Grasp

My sweet and precious Jesus,
From where do these tears fall?
They are coming fast and oh, so strong
But, I thought I’d cried them all.
Though my tears flow like a river,
And my heart is sure to break,
I thank You Lord that you are with me,
Each morning as I wake.
For how I am to make it Lord,
Is a question I have to ask.
And Your answer to me, is loud and clear.
“I’ll hold you in My grasp.”

When the people all around me,
Are going about their day,
How am I to carry on, My Lord?
Tell me what to say.
When the words of comfort come to me,
But they do little for the pain.
Breathe on me Your Word so clear,
As I’m calling out Your name.
When sadness seems to settle,
And the emptiness always lasts.
Your voice will echo in the void,
“I’ll hold you in My grasp.”

When death comes to the door,
And frightens me with its knock.
How I am to let it in, My Lord,
When I want to turn the lock?
For I know that being with You now,
Is a better place to be.
But my heart aches to be near to those,
Who are crying over me.
Show me Lord to walk with you,
Help me through this task.
Give me ears to hear You say,
“I’ll hold you in My grasp.”

When my heart is beating slower,
And my breath is hard to find.
Comfort those surrounding me
For they will know that it is time.
Lift me up in Your loving arms,
Carry me Home to be with You.
Help those who are watching over me,
Lift their eyes to only You.
I’ve come to the place of perfect peace.
My days on earth have passed.
I am in Your Holy presence, Lord,
I’m forever in Your grasp.

Dear Lord,

I am forever grateful for the opportunity to be so close to Grant's family and his dad at the time of his dad's passing. We cried and laughed and tried to honor Mr. Tom as he was preparing to come and visit You. We were so at peace with the fact that we KNEW he would soon be in Your home. For anyone going through a similar situation of loss, or loss in general, I ask that you will blanket them with your peace and comfort.

I love you, Amen.