I Love You, Amen: 2012

As we come upon the first year anniversary of my dad’s death, I am taken back to so many instances of that painful time. All of a SUDDEN I am awakened by tragedy. The phone ringing loudly in the middle of the still night, the crying and screaming of a scared sister telling me it doesn’t look good and to come quickly, learning as I am rushing to get to the hospital in the too early hours of the morning the tragedy that awoke my mom and the horror to follow, the sound of our own strong hearts thumping loud in our chests while his weak heart is being shocked back to life. All of a SUDDEN this life that we loved and held so dear was a breath away from death. Our world, all of a SUDDEN, changed. Even now, I will experience the SUDDEN escape of my own breath, as it’s sucked out of me as I remember the events of that night.

But, I also recall, that in those harrowing moments in the hours to come, that all of a SUDDEN God was there. God came at once, and gave His Grace. I can sit for hours, and sometimes do, remembering and hurting and feeling the trauma over and over again. I think of the last conversation we had hours before and am thankful that before I hung up the phone with my mom, I asked to speak to my dad about my friend’s health condition. I had no idea that would be the last time I heard his voice. I am also thankful that when he laid his head on his pillow that night and said “I love You” to my mom that he had no idea those words would be his last – that is God’s Grace, and what awesome last words.

I can think of what could have been and long earnestly for what was, but smile knowingly, even though I wish for more, that what God gave was all we needed. His glorious gifts apportioned perfectly.

In those moments of sheer fear and hurt, we found ourselves in the SUDDEN wrapping of God’s arms around our breaking hearts. For while my dad’s heart literally was broken that night, ours would break as well.

All of a SUDDEN, there were people and there were prayers. There was also panic and pacing. And then there was this power only GOD-GIVEN, that allowed us the peace to let go.

Immediately, there was this emptiness, and I could look into the eyes of my mom and sisters and see that way down deep into their souls an ugly, empty pit was gnawing at them too.

“The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.” Job 1:21

No matter how many times I said that, did I really feel this? Could I really call Him blessed this Lord who takes away?

As my dad drew his last breath, Grace SUDDENLY began breathing life back into us.

All of a SUDDEN, our lives changed.

All of a SUDDEN, GOD! We sought the Lord with all our heart and found Him always there, even in our grief!

I praise God, that we are not stuck in that hospital room. That though our lives dramatically CHANGED there, that our lives did not STOP there. Thank you God, that we are NOT left empty.

It is my mom, who offers out of her emptiness all she has to give that teaches us that Grace comes. At that moment, when her world and future was all of a SUDDEN stripped away, she pours out all she has at the feet of Jesus, and begs for the empty to be filled.

This past year, I have witnessed the miraculous presence of God’s grace through my mom’s life.

In the midst of her grief, Grace comes.

In the path she now has to navigate without my dad, Peace settles her.

In the moments where she falls down, Mercy picks her up.

In the times of crying out, Comfort consoles her.

In the hollowness of her heart, Hope restores.

In the lonely, oh so lonely, His Love.

In the sinking, a Savior.

And in the passing of the days since my dad’s death, she sees the Promise of a future.

Grace came to us.

"Like the wind, grace finds us wherever we are and won’t leave us however we were found." - Ann Voscamp

I am thankful every day that God’s Grace did not leave us how we were found a year ago. I am more thankful, that God’s Grace has lifted my mother to a place of not just merely moving forward, but to a place of living moment-by-moment in the joy that only God gives.

We miss my dad terribly. We always will. It is not easy to walk this life without him. He was strong and honorable, and a great man. And the hole his absence has left in our home is HUGE! But in this past year, I have seen STRENGTH like I’ve never seen before, coming from my MOTHER. When I look into her eyes these days, there is still sadness. Sadness that I know will always be with her. But there is this resolve, this admirable, focused-determination to somehow choose JOY.

This time last year, all of a SUDDEN, we were hit with gut-wrenching grief, but the force of the overwhelming Grace that we have felt this past year is even greater! Grace came to us in the midst of our pain and brokenness, and brought back to our lives this glorious gift of Joy!

Though we are certainly not joyful that we are without my dad now, we have learned that our lives can be joy-filled by the abundant Grace of God!

“Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” I Thessalonians 5:16-18

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord. “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

Dear Lord,
As we relive the moments of pain from a year ago, help us to never lose sight of you! Grace settled within our grief-filled bodies a year ago and has never let us go! Thank you for wrapping us close.
I love You,
Amen